One Chin Per Person
For anyone interested in visiting Paris, I have put together a simple set of operating instructions.
The first comes courtesy of Aase’s mother in Denmark who says: “There is no bad weather. Just wrong clothing.” This is especially true during the off-season, when fashion takes a back seat to comfort, especially if you’re the kind of person that likes to keep moving. And truthfully, there is no way to be stylish in Paris, since Paris will always be more stylish than you.
That leads me to instruction number two: how to tie a scarf. This tip comes from Fodor’s, so I can’t pretend to have figured it out for myself. To make a French Knot, you wrap your scarf around once (or twice) until both ends are behind your neck. Then you bring the ends forward and tie a double-knot to the side, under your chin. While you might otherwise look like a bit of a scruff, you can usually mange to improve yourself by tying a scarf the European way.
With a scarf tied that way, you can walk into any store without feeling shabby. Still, it could all fall apart in an instant, and that is why tip number three is especially helpful: pretend you are travelling with your piano teacher. Or your ballet instructor. Or your grandmother. If none of these work, pick anyone in your life who has ever tut-tutted you for your own good. For me it’s the piano teacher, Mrs. Genevieve Woods, and she follows me around with a vengeance, even though she’s been dead for years.
When you walk into a store, it’s as if you are entering somebody’s living room. Therefore, all your transactions should be prefaced with a smile and a cheerful bonjour. Make meaningful eye contact. Do not forget the s’il vous plait. Do not forget the merci. Do not forget the au revoir. If you do, I can promise that you will be reprimanded. The other day, I had a finger wagged at me so many times (for minor infractions, such as jaywalking) I felt like a pup that kept piddling on the carpet. Ron’s behavior, on the other hand, has been much improved. He hardly ever gets scolded.
Generally, it doesn’t pay to get too creative. When eating out, for instance, making adjustments to a fixed dish is usually not done. And you will probably get a strange look at the boulangerie if you ask for a bag instead of a square of tissue paper to wrap around the centre of your baguette. That being said, there are times when being creative will totally enhance your Paris experience. So here comes tip number four: mix it up a little. Go to the Louvre at night instead of the touristy crack of dawn. There are some evenings when it stays open late and you can have the place to yourself. I promise you’ll have trouble deciding which way to swivel your head – at the beautiful views of the illuminated city from every window, or at the interior walls of the palace, sumptuous with gilded frescoes.
The better you get at mixing it up, the more adventures (or misadventures) you will find yourself having. If your goal is to see as many museums as you can (after all, there are over 200 of them) you may miss out on that shameless pee stop at the luxurious Plaza Athenee Hotel, just off the Champs Elysee. Or that shameless pee stop at the Little Brothers of the Poor on rue Batignolles. Or that shameless pee stop in a crypt at the Pere LaChaise Cemetary. Well, you get the idea…
Mixing it up also applies to travelling during the off-season. Sure, your hair will be stringier, there will be less lingering over that six dollar cup of coffee, and grey skies will make it harder to keep yourself aloft. But the payoff is enormous. Paris lets its guard down and is friendlier without the hordes of annoying tourists. There are no line-ups and lots of freebies. And as for that six dollar cup of coffee? Ron and I just laugh and remind each other that we are renting time and space.
Tip number five: if you want your bread to go through the slicing machine, be prepared to pay for it. Don’t even bother complaining.
Tip number six: if, on your way home from the bakery, you chomp off the end of a fresh, warm baguette, you’ll feel like you’ve fully arrived.
Tip number seven: if you buy from a fancy butcher with a decoration of a horse head over the door, you will be eating Mr. Ed.
But the best piece of advice comes from Madame Barb Budnitz (top photo, middle) and it should have been heeded earlier. Before the pannekoeken, before the grapefruit sorbet, and definitely before the chocolat aux cristaux fleur-de-sel. As far back as Amsterdam, every time Barb took our picture she called out (rather rudely, if you want my opinion): Only one chin per person!
